When you start on how miserable life is, think, about all the kids in the third world region. If you think you're miserable living in a one room flat, they have no home. If you think you're fucking poor and that you're unable to eat your favourite burger or chicken wings everyday, they have no rice. When you complain that your water tastes weird from being too old or stagnant, they drink muddy water. When you complain that your heater is spoilt and showering in cold water sucks, they bathe in swamps and rivers.
Well, isn't life supposedly blissful now?Hello dear blog.This week kinda sucked. I got back many results. Much of which were horrible. I'm not gonna blog on how I'm gonna study harder and how disappointed I am with myself. No. Because after every single exam, i do this and repeat this cycle over and over, but do I do anything? No. I just sit around and wallow when I
should be going about and making a difference, putting in more effort.
What's the point of giving up my life and time for you, when I should be mugging? Yes, the truth is you wont run away. And I know, I suck at balancing and prioritising. I know very fucking well what the fuck should be on the top of my to-do list now; studying. I know, clear as crystal. But why do i just not understand the importance and keep searching for you? Because in the end, it all boils down to ME. You wont be there to comfort me. You wont be there to cheer me on. You wont be there to share my joy. You wont be there FOR ME. I can say that I'll give everything up for you. I can say that my future holds no meaning to me without you. But do you love me enough? No. Enough to take care of me forever? It will never be enough. Because all that I'm willing to sacrifice, all the suffer i'm willing to endure in silence, all my tearless cries, soundless screams. It will all lead to nothing. Why? Because I will never tell you the truth. Unless I'm on the verge of death or am down with a terminal disease. And then again, I might not tell you. For all the pain and hurt I would cause? I dont think so. What now? It's all about ME again. Either way, I'll die alone. If i get lousy grades for my O lvls, who's gonna be affected? Me. Me alone. My results will never affect you. Because soon you'll be leaving me, just like them. And I'll have to fend for myself like the usual. So is it worth it to have all the fun and happiness and joy in the world, just to kill myself for the future? And the worst part of all is, its entirely my fault. I'm fully capable to make a difference, but I dont have a strong enough will power. I was telling Jingyi this afternoon. And she pointed out that I am just plain lazy. When you get it in the face, you really wonder, " what for?" You can say that I dont have to do this. But will you be there for me?
Because..... it all boils down to me, when
I FAIL; I LOSE. & I DIE.Simple as ABC. This is reality.
Its Prelim ONE. And I'm still getting shit grades?
WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?Well, I know the answer, that is: Throwing it into the pits when all the miserable people in the world are willing to die, just to live my not-so-perfect life.
Labels: I really do. But is it worth it?
