With everyday and night we spend quarrelling, tears are shed.
With every word i say, i make you cry.
I know, that what I am doing is nt wrong.
If i wanted to do something so wrong, i would've done it long ago.
I'm just trying to set myself free, so that i can do what i want.
And not have to live life without experience.
I'm not asking for me to kill and steal, to punch or riot.
I'm simply asking for me to live.
Is that so wrong?
If everytime I ask for something so innocent, you have to think like that and over react,
i might as well stay at home. If i stay at home with no one around, i might as well die.
No one will notice right? What's the difference?
If living life right now is so hard. What for?
Everyday i walk on this thin thin thread.
I'm afraid to do wrong things at work.
I'm afraid i'll say something wrong, and tell wrong information.
I'm afraid to accidentally offend your feelings, and cause disharmony.
I'm afraid that if i say something wrong, you wont love me.
I'm afraid that we will all seperate.
I'm afraid that you will leave me, all alone.
I'm afraid that if i dont do something now, we will all drift.
I'm afraid to even live,
I'm afraid not to oblige, and you'll get mad and ignore me.
I'm afraid that you will never come home, and i'll have to sleep alone.
I'm afraid, that the only rainbow i have, will come to an end.
To think about all these things that I'm afraid, is sad.
That i have to sit and seeth in anger in silence, cus breathing will cause a war.
To have to bear it and will the unhappiness away, so that at least i can breathe.
If only everyday I could live by with just nothing to think of to stress, of nothing to fear.
To have to do so much, and you dont even care.
To have to run at the speed of light, just so you wouldn't get angry.
I just hope that you're there once again, to offer me the companionship i once loved so much.
If i ever get that, it doesn't matter if i have no one else. Because i have you.
To have to go through days in fear.
Being able to watch my shows are actually a blessing.
I can be in a world with no stress, no fear, no sadness.
I just feel and anticipate, and get happy endings.
I dont even know how to describe how i truly feel.
Education and socialising is of no use, i can even type down the knot i'm feeling right now.
Maybe i'm just lucky that i'm getting numb. Its just so hard to cry when you've been keeping it in for so long. And crying just doesnt matter because its just tears, and you actually find that there's no point crying.
I'm just so tired, and wish that problems will just stop and i can do what i want.
What i want that is not wrong.
that you wouldn't think that it would be.
And i'd be free to do it,
The reason why i'm really upset because it does not make sense,
for people to actually tell me to do things they themselves are not setting a good example of.
To tell me that i cannot spend thenight out, when you yourself is not sleeping at home.
To say that i'm not allowed to this or that, when you yourself are being such a prick.
I just want it so bad, because i dont want them to get mad.
Why do i even care?
Sometimes its so frustrating to want something so bad, and get nothing in return.
to keep giving on and on, but get nothing back.
To have to tell myself that it will all be over and keep staying numb, its just pathetic.
because everyday, i know i'm not living a happy and normal life like everyone else.
it just gets so hard to stay sane.
To have to watch you be so happy, but crumble alone.
I have a choice, to either live life everyday with a frown, or simply just make the best out of it.
I chose my choice, and that is whatever i do, i know i'll have myself.
I just hope that sometimes, i dont have to listen to all of your problems anymore.
I'd beg you to sit down and listen to mine, let me speak, let me tell my story.
But I can't. I wouldn't know where to start. There would be nothing to tell.
Because its been too long since i have. I'll never know how to open up anymore.
I will only know how i feel, eccentric feelings that no one understand, that no one can connect to.
I will just keep staying mute and numb.
I know i should be thanking my lucky stars because my life could be worse.
But living in a sticky web, threading on a thin thread precariously everyday, is just hard.
To feel uneasy and not have appetite, but still have to eat, is disgusting.
To have to force food into my mouth and actually swallow is sick.
I dont even know who i need anymore.
Someone who understands me best would be me, i wish i can just duplicate myself, and just keep myself company for the rest of my life. I know i will never be alone, because i will always be able to think and talk to myself. I know, i will need someone who understands me one day, who will be my soulmate and spend forever with me. But that day will never come, no one will understand me crystal clear, no one will feel how i feel, no one but me. Soulmates only happens on tv, in blockbuster movies and in fairytale books.
At times like this, I wish that i can just step off a cliff and start flying.
When i stop, i will know, that i'm in a world where there is no pain.
Labels: Maybe i should learn to write books one day. Then i can submerge myself in a world that never ends. because i can keep writing and writing till the day i die.
